What Are You Trying to Prove—and to Who?

How Unprocessed Grief and Perfectionism Are Sabotaging Your Practice

In order to help others heal, we must look within ourselves first. 

We must sit with our own pain, process our hurt, so that we can be with others. We need to model “good” self care for not only our clients, but for ourselves. 

Here is the truth that care professionals think but don’t say: we preach self-care, grief work, and boundary setting while ignoring our own unresolved pain. But you didn’t hear that here ;)

I’m here to unpack a culture of perfectionism as professionals, and how our unresolved grief  affects practices. Most importantly I’m here to tell you the importance of walking the talk as a professional—and getting real help for yourself.

The Uncomfortable Truth: Who Are You Trying to be Perfect?

We all like to be told we’re good at what we do. “You’re an excellent therapist.” “You really understand me.” It feels good and validates our expertise. And whether we realize it or not, it spurs what we chase next.

Sometimes those pursuits are aligned with our values and purpose. But let’s be honest: sometimes they’re driven by the need for more validation. The belief that if we hear others tell us “how good we are” more often, we’ll finally feel worthy.

This is the culture of perfectionism. 

And in our profession, it’s everywhere. It’s packaged as “being of service,” but underneath, it’s a chronic hustle for validation.

I’ve been in this industry for over a decade, and I’ve seen it in myself. I’ve caught myself spiraling in endless questions after a session. “Did that resonate? Did I make sense? Did they like me? Did I actually help? Was I “good”?”

And as a grief specialist, it runs even deeper. I’ve carried my clients’ losses as if they were my own. I’ve pretended that their grief didn’t affect me. I’ve acted like I was immune to loss, all in the name of “professionalism” and “perfectionism.”

At some point, I had to ask myself: What am I trying to prove? And to who?

Is it possible to be both professional and not perfect in a way that feels honest? Can I empathize, share, and still hold boundaries around my own grief while supporting others in theirs?

And maybe— is that the secret sauce we’re all searching for?

How Unprocessed Grief as a Professional Affects Your Practice

Here’s something we don’t say out loud enough in this field: loss is cumulative. 

One loss rarely exists in isolation. Every new grief cracks open the old ones—the losses we ignored, minimized, or never gave ourselves permission to feel.

And if you haven’t dealt with those, guess what? They’ll find their way out. Usually at the worst possible time.

It might show up as irritability. Emotional detachment. Over-functioning. Or those moments where a client’s story hits too close to home and you feel like you’re barely holding it together while nodding along. Sound familiar?

We live in a culture obsessed with moving on. 

Get back to work. Stay strong. Be professional. But grief doesn’t care—it lingers in the body, mind, and nervous system—and it leaks into your work.

When losses are unresolved, it creates a domino effect. One small trigger can knock the whole stack over. A client’s miscarriage brings up your own unspoken loss. A sudden family death stirs up memories of your father’s passing you thought you’d “moved through.” The exhaustion you feel isn’t just about your workload—it’s about what you’re carrying that you never set down.

We have to stop pretending we’re immune to this. 

How Unprocessed Grief Shows Up in Your Practice (and Beyond) 

You can have the most carefully worded intake form, the best clinical skills, and the latest trauma-informed training—but if you’re not paying attention to your own grief and burnout, it shows up.

Remember, loss is cumulative. If it's not dealt with, it builds.

Unprocessed grief leaks into the room in a hundred subtle ways:

• Over-identifying with a client and crossing emotional boundaries
• Feeling numb, detached, or emotionally exhausted by stories you used to hold with care
• Avoiding certain topics because they hit too close to home
• Filling every silence with advice or reassurance because their pain makes you too uncomfortable
• Saying yes to one more client, one more call, one more favour — because it feels easier than facing your own stuff
  
  

And it doesn’t stop when you leave the office. It follows you home. Into your relationships,your body, the glass of wine you “earned” after a brutal day or the restless nights you can’t seem to shake.

This is the invisible weight we carry as helpers. 

And most of us were taught to call it professionalism. But the truth is, it’s not about being unprofessional—it’s about being human.

How to Stop the Perfectionism Cycle: Tangible, Non-Fluffy Tips

Let’s skip the generic self-care advice. You don’t need another reminder to drink water or light a candle. If you’re serious about breaking this pattern—about being a therapist or caregiver who actually models what you teach—it’s going to take real work. 

Here’s where to start:

✅ Do a Personal Grief Inventory

Set aside an hour, grab a notebook. List every loss you’ve experienced—death, relationship breakdowns, identity shifts, missed opportunities, miscarriages, moves, friendships that quietly faded. Big or small, name them. Notice what still stings and what you’ve been avoiding. Awareness is the first step out of autopilot.

✅ Identify Where You’re Hustling for Validation

Where are you overworking, overgiving, or overcommitting? Be honest. Is it that client you can’t say no to? The extra course you don’t actually want to take? Call it out. Then ask yourself: Who am I trying to prove this to? And is it working?

✅ Book a Grief-Informed Session—For You

Not for your clients. For you. Find someone who gets it. Someone who won’t tell you to “practice better self-care” but will help you unpack the weight you’re carrying. This work isn’t sustainable if you’re trying to do it alone.

✅ Set One Small, Non-Negotiable Boundary This Week

Not ten or five. One. Maybe it’s leaving work on time. Maybe it’s saying no to the client who drains you. Maybe it’s taking your name off the committee you didn’t want to be on in the first place. Pick one and stick to it.

✅ Create a 3-Item Regulation List for Tough Days

 When the grief hits or you’re one client away from snapping, you need a go-to. Keep it simple:

• One grounding technique (breathwork, walking outside, box breathing)
• One person you can text for a reality check
• One permission slip (cancel, cry, quit early, whatever you need)
  
  

You don’t need to fix everything today. But you do need to start.

Resources for Sustainable Support

Healing begins when we stop performing and start getting honest—about our grief, our burnout, and what we’ve been avoiding. As care professionals, it’s not enough to talk the talk; we have to do our own work if we want to create authentic spaces for others. The invitation here is simple but brave: look inward, tell the truth, and let that be the most powerful tool you bring to your practice.

Empowered Inc. offers resources and community for those navigating grief in all its forms. Subscribe to our newsletter to learn more about a different kind of grief education that is healing and lasting. Our resources are designed to help you name what you’re carrying, set boundaries that honor your capacity, and connect with others who are also committed to healing without the hustle. Whether you're a professional, caregiver, or simply a human who holds space for others, Empowered Inc. is here to support your inner work so you can sustainably support others.